Tag Archives: death

A Moment with us, Forever in our Hearts

13 Mar

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. It is on purpose. Life goes on and we have to live in the present  and hope in the future in order to really grow positively.

My sister was pregnant with her first and I thought long and hard about whether or not I’d write anything during that time. After a few months of pondering, I decided I would stay away from blogging for a while.

My sister and I are twins. She’s my best friend. The kind that knows and feels my pain and vice versa. It comes naturally. I couldn’t take the chance of causing her anguish or sadness at this important time in her life because of what I was still going through, so I decided to live in the moment. With her. And the new joy we were all anticipating.

I cannot lie. I was nervous. We are identical twins after all but, thank the good Lord all went well.

Over the passed nine months, I’m thankful for hope restored. My sister and my adorably handsome nephew give me hope.

There is still not one day that goes by that I don’t think of my Demilade. It is amazing that I carried the boy for eight months and only got to glance at his face for a few hours and yet, I can never go a day without thinking of him. If he was born breathing, he would be turning two years old today. It’s hard to imagine but I had already pictured him at different stages while he was still in my tummy. Those images don’t go away from your mind, but the sadness that usually accompanied them does wane.

Now my husband and I tease about how my genes were overruled. I guess my sister and I have weak genes. It’s not fair! :). I sometimes find myself chuckling about his flat feet and wide finger nail beds. I don’t know how he’d have ended up looking but I am so grateful for a visual.

As I remember my boy on the day I laid eyes on him, I am grateful for strength, new life and healing.

Babies everywhere!

29 Sep

I’m not sure if I just notice it more if every woman on my friends’ list is having a baby but, everywhere I look there’s a baby born. In the last couple of days two acquaintances on one social network have had baby boys; in the last two weeks two others have just successfully completed their pregnancies with live healthy babies. One of these new babies is also named Christian. How can I possibly not wail for my boy???

I’ve kept it together over the last six months and have actively tried not to be outwardly affected at seeing others so happy with their new additions. I’ve attended baby showers and baby birthdays, hoping I can heal faster. However, deep inside, I’d rather be anywhere else! Afterward though, I feel like I have conquered something monumental.

A few days ago, I saw yet another parent flood my Facebook news feed with pictures of the newly born child. I’m sure my reaction was the same as the other friends who looked upon this little angel and oohed and ahhed at the cuteness of the little one. What always follows for me though, is what was wrong with me that I didn’t deserve these kinds of moments. What did I do wrong? And why should I be happy for anyone else (although, I am)? On this particular day, I just cried as I was filled with so much emptiness. Why did this have to happen to me? To us?

Life can be so cruel.

Not Again!

14 Jul

I have been sleeping OK for the last couple of weeks. I no longer wake up in fear and panic over small things three or four times per night. I can finally say I’m getting uninterrupted sleep (even if its only 4-6 hours).

It has become normal for me to not fall asleep until after midnight and if I don’t force myself, I can be wide awake way into the early morning hours. The inconvenience to my daily routine is noticeable. I can hardly leave my home for work by 8:30 am. This is not sustainable. Something has to give.

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning for no particular reason. Heart racing, head pounding and an uneasiness that I can not explain but, it keeps me up. Wide awake. Its been a few weeks since this kind of episode and after falling asleep early at midnight, I looked forward to sleeping straight through to 6:30 am or 7:00 am.

Immediately, I ask when it will end. When will I go back to my 8-hour- per night sleep pattern? There are few things that frustrate me and not being able to sleep is at the top of this list.

One thing is for sure, I have come a long way from March 13th, 2013 when my world was shaken and changed forever but, I am gradually working on becoming “normal” again.

I Hate Odd Numbers!

1 Jul

Wow! Talk about not being in control of one’s own life. I learned the hard way. A rude awakening, if you will. I am not in control of anything that happens in my life.

The bible scriptures say that no man knows the day nor the hour of his death. Its funny because we also really don’t know for sure when we will enter this world either. I’ve never thought of this until now. Technically, Demilade came into and left this world at the same time. I don’t know when he actually passed.

Before 9:11 am on March 13, 2013, I expected him to make his debut on a nice even numbered day of the week, Sunday. He was to make his first appearance on an even numbered date, the 28th of the fourth month of the year. Everything seemed to be in order according to the way I had imagined the tiny details.  However, God has his own plans for us and sometimes they do not align with our own.

Its such a minor detail but, to me it underscores the strong dislike I have for odd numbered anything. I got married in 2011 and both of us being African guaranteed some back and forth regarding the wedding date. I had a conniption at the suggestion that my wedding day should occur in a month other than June or August (guaranteed pleasant weather and only two even numbered months of the summer). I mean,  wasn’t it bad enough we were getting married in an odd numbered year (although, I comforted myself by adding all the individual numbers: 2+1+1=4. Voila!). Its crazy, I know, but I really do not like anything odd!  I think there is a term for this where one’s mood is affected/determined by numbers or colors. For me, when I can control when an important event happens, I would prefer it to fall on an even date of an even day of the week.

You can imagine how unlucky I felt on March 13, 2013. No adding of any numbers would make me see this as anything but bad. Of course, time and meditation on God’s word will change this perspective. My life was spared on March 13th. It is spared on every odd numbered day that I continue to see a new day. I can never not like March 13th again. Even though it was the worst day of my life, it is also the most meaningful in my life.

I don’t know why I had to lose my child after carrying him for 33 weeks and 3 days. I don’t know why I developed Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. And I don’t know why none of the doctors who saw me did not diagnose me and get me help, even with glaring symptoms. I will likely never know but, I have learned a valuable lesson: there is only so much we can plan and prepare for and the rest is up to God.

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